Monday, October 15, 2012

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

If any of you know me very well (all 1or 2 of you that read this blog) you know I dont do well with change. I have a very routine life, from the day my babies were born they were on a schedule. Everything revolves around little to no change. Well my life has been changing alot lately, in great ways. I am loving myself in ways I havent in years. I take that back, I dont think I have ever truly loved myself at all. I have had alot of pain in my life, suffering the loss of my first marriage was very hard on me. However with all of the cleansing that is taking place in my life I am realizing that I am worth it, gall darn it! I am worth loving, I am beautiful, I am strong I am loving. I am a child of my Heavenly Father. Man it feels great to type that out and reflect on it.
Anyway, back to changes. Last week my son had to have surgery to remove an extra tooth from the roof of his mouth. First off he is my first and my little love. I was already freaking out at the thought of him being put under for this. Well we went to Cedar city the morning of the surgery, my mom came down from up north (3 hours away to be exact) to help me with Kanon and drive us there and back so I could sit with Maverick in the back. We were there early in the morning, all the paper work filled out and after waiting 2 1/2 hours they took him back. I went back with him, they weighed him took his vitals and said the doc would be in to answer any questions and then they would take him back. Ok no big deal.....well we waited another hour and he finally came in. When I asked him my questions about the recovery his face went blank. He said "umm I dont do that surgery, my partner does.... I think they put you on the wrong day, Im so sorry" Instantly I started to cry, I was feeling bad that my poor baby had to wait all that time, he was hungry cold and scared. Well after alot of crying and talking they were able to get us in two days later. Holy cow thats alot of typing to get to my simple point. Had this happened to me even three months ago it would have totally done me in. I would have been a mess and really angry. And although I did my share of crying and was mad for a few hours, I got myself together and couldnt wait to do my yoga. Yoga is my therapy it is healing me from the inside out. Im so glad I made the choice to do it and stick with it, why you ask? Because I am more than worth it. Im grateful to my friends that have stuck by me and continue to encourage me. Im also happy that I can for once in my life be proud of the mother I am and also wife. I had put them all on the back burner for quite some time being selfish and using my horse as an escape from my life. Im glad I have them, Im glad they love me and boast me up even on days I probably dont deserve it.. Its ok to have an out and need a break from every day life but Im glad I have found that balance

Monday, October 1, 2012

Things are gettin real

This journey to loving myself has been easier than I thought. It honestly just took freeing my mind of garbage and eating better. I may not be tiny like I was in high school but I am beginning to see myself as beautiful again. I am looking at the "flaws" on my body as just what they are, the marks that remind me that I am a mother. That I gave birth to the biggest blessings in my life. I am more aware of my surroundings, of what I eat and what I say. I know that having a disease like muscular dystrophy doesnt sound like a blessing, but I am starting to view it as one. It has taught me to love myself without being perfect, its helped me to see my inner strength. Without it who knows I might have never cared enough to do something to better myself. It keeps me humble and reminds me that I have a lot to work on. Helps me see others in a different light and have compassion.
The weirdest thing that has happened, is I am getting checked out.... Yes me, by guys all over the place. Not because Im skinny or hot but because I think I am letting off the sense of love and confidence I have found in my self. That or I have been dressing more like a girl instead of hiding in my husbands basketball shorts and tshirts.

Monday, September 24, 2012

A mind douching...

I know I know the title of this post sounds way off color. Its not what you think, trust me... Or not..
As anyone can tell from looking at this blog Im not the best at following through with things I post\say. Its not like I love that quality\flaw about myself its just been who I have created the past few years of my life.. I have been through alot, too much to want to talk about in this post. This post is to talk about douching my mind. Yes I said that, douching. We all hold things inside, we all have troubles letting go of pain, love, sadness, sorrow, our past, I could go on and on. Our minds become thick with this fog that we ourselves create. We become what we are holding onto, what we are thinking. I have let my muscular dystrophy define my life for the past 20 years. The day I got diagnosed was like someone flipped a switch, I instantly became different. I spent alot of time and still catch myself feeling sorry for myself. I have missed out on alot of things by simply telling myself before I even tried that I couldnt do something. I have let my disease take me over, fill my head with crap..
A few months ago I was reading my friend Kristin's blog and she mentioned how people were encouraging her to do yoga. For the first time ever YOGA stood out to me. It was like the spirit said right to me "thats it". I instantly asked the Google gods about my CMT (Charcot Marie Tooth) and what yoga would do for my disease. The results I found were very encouraging. The very next day I asked my best friend Veronica if she wanted to start doing yoga with me. Thankfully she said yes.
I started my journey the next morning. Beginning with a 20 min video that literally kicked my trash!! I was sweating in places I never knew you could sweat, on my wrist for crying in the night. But something happened, something shifted the crap around in my head and let through a little light of clarity. I was hooked. The next session we ended with a really great meditation. I wont lie when the guy started doing with weird sound I lost my concentration and laughed, however I also cried ALOT during it. I felt as though my mind and body were being cleansed, douched if you will. I got up off the ground and felt new, and was starting to feel whole.
I have been successfully apart of this yoga journey now for just over a month. I have worked myself up to over an hour each day and doing it 6 days a week. My life has been forever changed, including my diet. My muscular dystrophy has been responding in ways I never knew possible. My balance is increasing, my toes are straightening out. Before I started yoga I was going to bed EVERY night taking at least 800mg of Ibprophin just to sleep. My back and legs were always killing me, and I could never sleep. I haven't taken anything for pain in over a month now, why you ask?? Because I have none, I have learned the power of my mind. I have learned to love myself in ways I never knew I could. I have fallen in love with my husband and kids deeper than I knew I could. My body is finally coming back, you know the prebaby one?? And I love it. But the deepest thing to happen in this whole process has been, the douching. The literal letting go of my weakness and sorrow that I have had trapped in my mind for years. I have found this new power in my mind I never knew existed.
I have also deepened my  love for my Savior. I have never felt so close to the spirit as I do when I am meditating at the end of my yoga sessions. I am grateful to my Heavenly Father for his tender mercy and for his patience with me. I love having a rock star partner in this yoga experience, Veronica will never know how much she has lifted me up. It was a rough journey in the beginning with lots of tears. Im grateful for the cleansing of my mind and body that is taking place. This is just the beginning to this life long journey.. Stay tuned....
For those of you who actually read all of this, thanks

This has been on repeat at my house, its the best song for what Ive been changing about myself

Monday, April 9, 2012

Got a little side tracked

The last few days I got a little off track with the Love Dare. Things started to slip back into the norm and the weekend brought some hurt feelings. I am however pulling my boots back on and getting back on track. So Ill be back on soon.......

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Day 7 of the Love Dare

Day 7  Love believes in the best

[Love] believes all things, hopes all
—1 Corinthians 13:7

Dare: For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper.
On the first one, spend a few minutes
writing out positive things about your
spouse. Then do the same with negative
things on the second sheet. Place both
sheets in a secret place for another day.
There is a different purpose and plan for
each. At some point during the
remainder of the day, pick a positive
attribute from the first list and thank
your spouse for having this characteristic.

It wasn't hard for me to tell Nephi I'm thankful for how hard he works. That is one of his greatest qualities. I was able to slip that into our conversation today, and he followed it with an "um ok, thanks" lol  before this dare I must really have been a wench, he has a hard time figuring out why I'm trying to be so nice lol. He also doesn't except compliments very well.. I'm anxious to see what I'm going to be doing with these list of pos. and neg. things. I will say I had an easier time writing down the neg. which I think is to be expected since I'm doing the Love Dare to make a luke warm relationship better. I however really looked over the list of positive and I really married my dream guy. He is so great and I have failed to see alot of those everyday qualities some women would kill to have in a husband.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Day 6 of the Love Dare

Day 6 Love is not irritable

He who is slow to anger is better than
the mighty, and he who rules his spirit,
than he who captures a city.
—Proverbs 16:32

Dare: Choose today to react to tough
circumstances in your marriage in loving
ways instead of with irritation. Begin by
making a list below of areas where you
need to add margin to your schedule.
Then list any wrong motivations that you
need to release from your life.

This is a hard one for me, I am not patient whatsoever and I am quick to snap. Its not a great quality.  I over react when I think I deserve to go somewhere or do something and he doesn't agree right away. Like for some reason I should be able to do what I want because after being a mom and wife all day I just need a break. However instead of expressing that to him, I throw a minor fit and act as if he "owes" it to me or something.
I would say the top of my list would  be I might need to lay off on the things maybe Nephi isn't the best at doing. Like nagging about everyday things I ask him to do (trash,etc.)  Ask him with a sincere heart for something only once and not nag if he doesn't follow through.  At the top of my list for wrong motivations would be overreacting to hurt rather than to solve. Sometimes I get so caught up in why I'm not happy and what he isn't doing for me that I sort of want to punish him so he hurts as well. I don't like to see him enjoy life or be happy if I'm not. After I just typed that I'm totally taken back that I admitted it out loud. Man I'm a real wack job. I need to let that go from my life. I feel like the steps I am taking in this book so far are helping me however. I found myself today almost being sucked into the same fight we have on almost a weekly basis about my best friend and I and what we do with out horses. Nephi is insecure with my friendship, his first wife put everything and everyone before him and sometimes other relationships bring out that insecurity in him. I have never and would never put anyone before him but its hard for him to see that. Anyway normally he gets all fired up and goes off about things and today I just took a deep breath, thought about how hurtful things get if I go along with it and chose not to say anything. I asked him if we could please not do this and changed the subject, and like magic he cooled off. AMAZING. And after all this time of me blaming him I realise I throw fuel on most of his fires. I need to stop that, I need to be slow to anger and show more love. He is crying out for it

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Day 5 of the Love Dare

Day 5  Love is not rude.

 He who blesses his friend with a loud
voice early in the morning, it will be
reckoned a curse to him.
—Proverbs 27:14

Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three things
that cause him or her to be
uncomfortable or irritated with you. You
must do so without attacking them or
justifying your behavior. This is from
their perspective only

I'm not going to lie, I was very nervous about this dare. I felt it was a way to invite Satan into this wonderful thing we have going and make us fight. However the total opposite happened. I asked Nephi about three things, he looked at me with a face of surprise and tried not to laugh. He said he needed a bit to think about it. So I asked him again later, his response was swearing. But that he couldn't think of anything else, which is crazy. I know one of those things would have been previous to this dare, that he didn't like the way I spoke to him like a child. However because this is REALLY working he wasn't able to focus on neg. things. Now back to the swearing thing. Nephi didn't grow up with it in his life or home. He has never had a problem and in almost 6 years of marriage I have NEVER heard him swear. That is something I am truly jealous of. I however didn't grow up a member and grew up with it in my house, so its become a really stupid habit. I'm not admitting that I swear alot, because I don't. I go to stupid petty swear words when I'm mad or frustrated, seriously nothing "bad" (so don't defriend me) lol. Nephi just doesn't have ANY tolerance for it whatsoever. So its something I need to work on. I don't like making him uncomfortable and I will admit I have used it as a tool in fighting with him to get his attention. If I don't think he is listening without fail I will swear at him and like clock work he comes back with "did you really have to say that" and then I say, just seeing if you are listening. Is that childish or what?? I cant believe what I'm learning about my self in this process, reading the dares really don't seem like much work but its the little things that are making the big things work. Yay me...

Monday, April 2, 2012

Day 4 of the Love Dare

Day 4 Love is thoughtful

How precious also are Your thoughts to
me. . . .How vast is the sum of them! If I
should count them, they would
outnumber the sand.
—Psalm 139:17–1

Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during
the business of the day. Have no agenda
other than asking how he or she is doing
and if there is anything you could do for

I had to skip a day (Sun.) so that I could do this Dare while he wasn't home. Kinda hard to call and check on them when they are home for the weekend ;) Anyway, I just got off the phone with him. I asked him if he needed anything and if there was anything I could do to help make his day good, he seemed confused and just said "um no". It warms my heart to have him be shocked when I am offering myself to him in ways that he needs. He seems happy but almost confused. What this process has been teaching me is how extremely selfish I have been. No wonder all of my prayers about my marriage and what I could do to help came back to this Love Dare. I need to change me. I need to think about my spouse and what his needs are. It has also made me ponder the way I have talked to and treated Nephi since we got married. I speak to him like he is a child. Its not something I am proud of admitting out loud. I think its been my cooping mechanism from my first marriage. But it doesn't make it right. This not saying Neg. things has really opened my eyes, I have stopped and thought about the things I would normally do or say if I weren't doing this dare and I am ashamed of myself. Nephi is my best friend, my husband, the father of my kids. Why would I speak to him the way I have??? No wonder he doesn't want to kiss my forehead, Heck I'm surprised he hasn't wanted to smack it. I'm not having a pity party for myself but rather reflecting on what this marriage and Nephi really mean to me. I'm really thankful I am sticking this thing out..

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Day 3 of the Love Dare

Day 3 Love is not selfish

Be devoted to one another in brotherly
love; give preference to one another in
—Romans 12:1

Dare:  Whatever you put your time, energy, and
money into will become more important
to you. It’s hard to care for something
you are not investing in. Along with
restraining from negative comments, buy
your spouse something that says, “I was
thinking of you today.”

Today was a really great day. We went this morning and I took our family pics. We then came home and took naps, and went to see the Lorax. My loving hubby then went to the priesthood session, when he came home his allergies were going crazy. So even though it was 8:30p.m. I went to Lins and bought him some med. and a pack of Hubba Bubba gum (his favorite). The greatest thing he said was, "why are you offering to go to the store for me so late? Are you planning something else?"  Usually I look for little things to run out of the house for so I can take a break from the kids and dont come back for a while. Tonight was different and it felt way good to come straight home and give him my gifts to show him I care. I'm very taken back at how well I am doing with not being Neg. Im so grateful to my Father in Heaven for helping me do this. It really is paying off, things are starting to feel different. And I likey :)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Day 2 of the Love Dare

Day 2 Love is Kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. —Ephesians 4:3
 Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.
This wasnt that hard for me, I love doing nice things for Nephi. I decided to make chicken fried chicken for him for dinner. He loved it! That might not sound like an act of kindness to most, but if you know Nephi you know he LOVES food. And surprisingly enough not saying anything neg. to him today was easier than yesterday. Yes, he was at work most of the day so we will see what tomorrow brings when we are together for a whole day lol. I'm excited about this journey actually, my prayers seemed stronger yesterday and today. I feel this is going to work. I hope I can keep these moral up for the rest of this dare.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Love Dare

So its not a secret how hard marriage can be. Its daily work for the both of you and sometimes it can be down right hard. I feel like my hubby and I have fallen into a place of comfort, where neither of us try anymore. We just live life day in and day out almost like room mates. Don't get me wrong, he is an amazing person, and father. He helps around the house, he provides for us and is an amazing priesthood holder. I couldn't ask for more in those areas. However something happened to us... I miss being kissed on my forehead, I miss holding hands. I miss hugging for long periods of time just because I cant let him go. I miss being told I'm beautiful(without me asking). I know this might sound a little crazy because I know naturally those things dwindle when you stop dating, or do they? Do kids really make that big of a difference, or are we choosing to let them so we don't have to "try" so hard anymore? I'm not sure, but I know that my marriage is WORTH saving, its worth savoring as well. I am sealed to this person and want to make the best of our life together. I have been known to be the one pointing the finger, like if he would just kiss me or hug me I'd be fine. But why does it have to be him? Why cant I make the effort? Maybe he is waiting for me to take the first step. I have no idea that's why I'm starting the Love Dare. Started today actually. I first tried this a couple of years ago when the movie Fireproof came out. If you haven't seen that movie its a must see for married couples. I have since "tried" the Dare on Nephi and failed miserably on it. I cant even get past day one, which is pathetic. Day one says to go 24 hours without saying one neg. thing to your spouse. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? I cant do that, am I really that mean? (dont ask Nephi that question) Anyway you are supposed to journal about your experience and not just go on with the next dare until you complete them one at a time. Whats really a kick between my eyes is every time I pray about my marriage and ask my father in heaven what I can do to make things right, my answer always comes back to the Love Dare. SO this is the reason for this post. I am choosing to hold myself accountable to this journey by blogging about it. Even if I don't get one comment or one person to read them, I am holding my feet to the fire writing about it. Because my marriage is worth fighting for, my husband is worth doing the dare for. In the end the only person I can "fix" is me. Oh and a little tid bit, the person you are doing the Dare on shouldn't know you are doing it. Which works great for me that Nephi NEVER reads my blog. I'm hoping that this journey takes me to a whole other level of love and commitment. I hope to fall in love all over again with my main man. I have lost one marriage before and I refuse to loose another. Want to join me in this journey?

Which brings me to day one.

Day 1. Love is Patient

The first part of this dare is fairly simple.
Although love is communicated in a
number of ways, our words often reflect
the condition of our heart. For the next
day, resolve to demonstrate patience and
to say nothing negative to your spouse at
all. If the temptation arises, choose not to
say anything. It’s better to hold your
tongue than to say something you’ll
You are supposed to journal about how this went, how you felt and things you could work on.

With this dare I will admit I struggled today. I got my feelings hurt that Nephi wanted to go to a movie all by himself (hunger games, I didn't want to see it). I really wanted and felt like we needed to spend some time together. However I held back my feelings and practised my "patience" and let him go. I know that if I can be slow to anger and be more patient I can get through to him in ways I never knew. I can already see that not putting up a fight to get my way is going to be helpful.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A pathetic run down of the last three months

In Aug. we went camping with Nephi's family in Maple grove. It was a great time and we didn't leave much dirt behind because it came home on my boys and in my car.

Kanon got to join the big boy club by giving himself a black eye. Daddy got him soapy in the tub and he slipped head first into the side. OUCH

Which the eye looked great for his second birthday pictures

TWO???? I cant believe my BABY turned two. I have no idea where time has gone but its slipping by me so fast. This little bean loves trains, cars and bugging the tar out of his brother. He is still a button pushing, toilet flushing, door slamming little fetcher most days but we love him to pieces..

Last but not least I attempted family pictures yet again this year. They turned out OK for being me that took them. It gets hard running back and forth to the tripod. I got way sweaty and my hair went flat. Oh well I love the colors and love the people in them.

This eternal family of mine continues to bless my life in ways I never knew possible. My cup overfloweth on a daily basis..