Monday, October 15, 2012

Ch Ch Ch Changes....

If any of you know me very well (all 1or 2 of you that read this blog) you know I dont do well with change. I have a very routine life, from the day my babies were born they were on a schedule. Everything revolves around little to no change. Well my life has been changing alot lately, in great ways. I am loving myself in ways I havent in years. I take that back, I dont think I have ever truly loved myself at all. I have had alot of pain in my life, suffering the loss of my first marriage was very hard on me. However with all of the cleansing that is taking place in my life I am realizing that I am worth it, gall darn it! I am worth loving, I am beautiful, I am strong I am loving. I am a child of my Heavenly Father. Man it feels great to type that out and reflect on it.
Anyway, back to changes. Last week my son had to have surgery to remove an extra tooth from the roof of his mouth. First off he is my first and my little love. I was already freaking out at the thought of him being put under for this. Well we went to Cedar city the morning of the surgery, my mom came down from up north (3 hours away to be exact) to help me with Kanon and drive us there and back so I could sit with Maverick in the back. We were there early in the morning, all the paper work filled out and after waiting 2 1/2 hours they took him back. I went back with him, they weighed him took his vitals and said the doc would be in to answer any questions and then they would take him back. Ok no big deal.....well we waited another hour and he finally came in. When I asked him my questions about the recovery his face went blank. He said "umm I dont do that surgery, my partner does.... I think they put you on the wrong day, Im so sorry" Instantly I started to cry, I was feeling bad that my poor baby had to wait all that time, he was hungry cold and scared. Well after alot of crying and talking they were able to get us in two days later. Holy cow thats alot of typing to get to my simple point. Had this happened to me even three months ago it would have totally done me in. I would have been a mess and really angry. And although I did my share of crying and was mad for a few hours, I got myself together and couldnt wait to do my yoga. Yoga is my therapy it is healing me from the inside out. Im so glad I made the choice to do it and stick with it, why you ask? Because I am more than worth it. Im grateful to my friends that have stuck by me and continue to encourage me. Im also happy that I can for once in my life be proud of the mother I am and also wife. I had put them all on the back burner for quite some time being selfish and using my horse as an escape from my life. Im glad I have them, Im glad they love me and boast me up even on days I probably dont deserve it.. Its ok to have an out and need a break from every day life but Im glad I have found that balance

Monday, October 1, 2012

Things are gettin real

This journey to loving myself has been easier than I thought. It honestly just took freeing my mind of garbage and eating better. I may not be tiny like I was in high school but I am beginning to see myself as beautiful again. I am looking at the "flaws" on my body as just what they are, the marks that remind me that I am a mother. That I gave birth to the biggest blessings in my life. I am more aware of my surroundings, of what I eat and what I say. I know that having a disease like muscular dystrophy doesnt sound like a blessing, but I am starting to view it as one. It has taught me to love myself without being perfect, its helped me to see my inner strength. Without it who knows I might have never cared enough to do something to better myself. It keeps me humble and reminds me that I have a lot to work on. Helps me see others in a different light and have compassion.
The weirdest thing that has happened, is I am getting checked out.... Yes me, by guys all over the place. Not because Im skinny or hot but because I think I am letting off the sense of love and confidence I have found in my self. That or I have been dressing more like a girl instead of hiding in my husbands basketball shorts and tshirts.