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Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Does it hurt when I press here?!

I just need a moment to feel sorry for myself. So Im sorry ahead of time if you thought you were about to read something uplifting or interesting.
I feel like I have been through alot in the past ten years. I was married to a heroin addict for almost five years. I survived day to day moment by moment. I drained my friends by being so needy and always having some kind of drama going on with me. I felt so lost and helpless. However during that time joined the LDS church, against my families wishes and finally felt a glimmer of hope. I ended that marriage and quickly met and married Nephi. We started our family fast and life hasnt stopped since. Nephi has lost his job twice, twice I said since we have been married. It seems as if we are never going to catch a break. Dont get me wrong, I dont look back at my life and not see the blessings, believe me I do. I just feel like we are always being hit down right when we are about to climb out. I was reminded today about how scary things are when I went to WIC. Not even one hour after the doors had opened they were full for the day and couldnt help anyone. And I was one of the ones they couldnt help. And it sucks of course my checks just ran out last month. UGH!!! And also the government is running our of unemployment so having Nephi still on it, which he has been for the last SIX months is really up in the air. Now anyone who is married can understand, I love my husband, I really do. I just dont want to be around him 24/7! I need him to get a job, oh wait he cant! In case you didnt hear, he tore his ACL while trying to be an NBA star in church ball and now has to have surgery. Do you see what Im saying, Im dieing here!
So why is it you ask Im going on and on like this. Well today I was reminded again about how crapy of a friend and person I have become while wallowing in my own crap. I forgot about a hair appointment and scheduled something else at the same time. My friend does my hair and is always very good about getting me in. However I back out over and over, One time I have money to do my hair and another I dont. Its just not who I am, Im tried of who I have become. Im sorry to all of my friends for draining you and not having alot of good things going on to share. However to all of you that I have wasted your time, I am truly thankful for you all. Without you I dont know where I would be. Im making a promise that from this day on I am giving my best effort to be more positive. To not share everything thats going and have everyone feel sorry for me. The only one that can be sorry is me. This post wasnt really for anything accept for me to get it all out of my head. Im sorry if anyone actually read this!
Until next time I will now be going and listening to my son sing "talk dirty to me" by poison so I can smile and remember that life really isnt that bad.

6 comments:

Tami Haws

I am going to be very blunt and it is all out of love. DONT you ever be sorry for anything Shawna. You are an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend. All that you have gone through has made you who you are. And you are wonderful. Instead of saying things have been hard for so many years keep saying things are perfect NOW, today is a perfect day NOW Nephi is healed and healthy Now and you will be amazed at the things that can happen repeat that to your self several times a day. We have much power in our words and what we say. I love you girl and I hate to see you down, but know I love you and I am ALWAYS here no matter what. Remember those many times we used to call each other when we were having hard times and we always felt better. Call me anytime!!!! OXOXOX

Dave and Annamarie Nielson

i can honestly say to you i know how you feel. Remember the lord knows you individually and doesn't give you anything you can't handle. He knows you are a very strong women. he loves you and is there for always! You can again make it through anything! I love you!

Wade The Rascal

You're amazing Shawna. You are winning at life right now so don't give up; Don't let yourself feel weak. Eventually, we all get a break. (Waiting for mine too.)

Dana

You are just too strong Shawna maybe that is why you are faced with all these trials. Seriously, you HAVE been through a lot! More then I think I could handle, but you are hanging in there. Even if you are only hanging on by a limb (or seem to feel that way some days) you are making it through each day. You have made right choices in your life and you will get a break. When it rains it pours! You are so strong, beautiful, talented and a great friend. I was lucky to have you apart of my life even if those times were not the best for obvious reasons. Hang in there. Love ya!

Brittanie

It isn't easy, but it will be worth it. ;)

Thayne

I love you!! I have been struggling with my mother in law, she is a pill addict and won't admit it and grrr, I'm about to have her grandbaby, and she shows no effort as to being part of his life. I'm sorry for your husband and not working, that would drive me crazy too! My hubby gets laid off in the winter & sometimes it's hard for me to deal with too. When we first got married, he was laid off for 3 months. But what doesn't break you, only makes you stronger! Hang in there!!! :0)